So now what...?

I have the ability to go anywhere... A legacy of financial torment is in my wake... soon to be evened out and slowly cleared away. It's only a matter of time. Nothing but a re-establishment of my old stability. Slow, yes... but it took years to dig this hole, I'll spend whatever time and patience it takes to regain every shred of my old control and perfect conditioning.
Then it'll be back to school.
I have no idea what I will study... but I have to find myself back at the desk. Back in the books. Pouring over the histories, reading through the dialogues... I need to dive into a subject, holding nothing back. I need the consuming fire of a true obsession, the love of a dire exploration. The desperation of a search for understanding, it's only cure the journey from which it is born.

Acknowledge when...

(((Written in the spring, 2013)))

Sometimes acknowledging the problem is enough to make it go away.

Scratch that. Most of the time, is what I should have said.

I can know something is wrong and know that I don't like it. I can know that another person and I have an issue. I can know that they know that I know. Ect. And I can go weeks, even years without acknowledging it to them.

That's what I did with this particular person. He and I said a lot to each other. But we also left a whole lot of things unsaid. Guess which of the two drove a wedge between us?

And years later, I'm given another chance. How lovely is that, right?

But I fall into old patterns, we talk about everything, even crazy things that no one ever talks about openly... But we leave out that one subject that matters most.